Mad Medical Poems

An infectiously funny collection of Max Scratchmann's medical poems and unhealthy nonsense verse. The poems meander delightfully through a miasma of cruel, unusual and mundane medical conditions, treating doctors and patients with equal disdain.

The Doctor’s Song

Those who fondly imagine that the doctor-patient relationship is one of mutual respect will be shocked by the utter comtempt that the doctor in this poem feels for his patients.

Nancy Goes Dry

An intriguing nonsense verse in which the eponymous heroine refuses to imbibe anything and so seems destined to a life of dehydration.

The Hurtin’ Blues

A severe case of sore feet is treated to a radical cure.

Bertie’s Little Problem

Priapism is the medical term that describes 'Berties little problem', which is both surprisingly common and extraordinarily difficult to treat. In this case, Bertie takes the problem into his own hands, which produces a most unpleasant outcome.

Little Blue Pills

A poem in praise of those little blue diamond shaped pills which promise a cure for erectile dysfunction.

Rubber Boy

The title might suggest something in the fetish line, but this is a simple nonsense verse about Reginald Revicticus, a boy with foam rubber bones.

The Tragic Tale of Albert Ignatius

In the fine tradition of Struwwelpeter, this is a cautionary verse for children about Albert Ignatious, who suffers a terrible fate as a result of his obsession with health and hygeine.